Irritation
I am feeling really irritated today. My allergic reaction is back, I don’t know what I’m reacting to, because I never had any allergies until this year. So I look blotchy and unhealthy which is not how I want to look or feel. Ok so that’s the irritation on the outside..
MENTAL FIDGET
On the inside. …I know that something I’ve would liked to have fixed for nearly 5 years now… I am not feeling it, I’m over it. Truth be told that was the deepest feeling at the time … way down virtually buried was the nugget of truth this had served it purpose, even then, and if it had been repurposed or fixed if you prefer, at the time, it would have become a pointless distraction… with my thinking and emotions the way they were at that juncture ….and that would NOT then have pushed me in the directions I CLEARLY needed to go.
MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH….
That said sadness remained that everything was very close to arriving at a happy conclusion. Close but no cigar…It will be up to the sheer randomness of life should we ever cross paths again. Neither party will deliberately engineer that. All I can say to myself is that if we should somehow end up in the same place, things will be very different, we aren’t the same people, but one would hope that we could at least exchange a update of what’s happening now, because we are both friendly and respectful at our hearts. There was just a critical moment or two there where we both forgot that. Or that’s how it seems to me. I completely understand the viewpoint of this person, it’s not my viewpoint however, and their thoughts and the stories they seem to have told themselves about me … had SOME roots in fact but were not at all the complete picture. Not at all. I felt I was treated and spoken to cruelly… enough to make me cease efforts to recover things…but really to them it probably felt like they were delivering a ticking off I deserved. But that’s because they didn’t get me. If they’d got me they would have realised that actually I broadly agreed with them, although I’d would never have been so harsh. In actual fact… we were on the same page. But they didn’t understand me…..And I could only think they never really would.
PEOPLE MATTER
You can tell I actually really cared can’t you? I felt so strongly for so long…and I’m irritated about now feeling nothing…Yes I did care, because being a good friend matters to me very much , I had not met my own standards in that area but I did try hard and I meant well.
I clearly didn’t care enough though … and now I’m irked by not feeling it at all.
ALL GOOD
It’s a good thing. though …it means lessons have been learned. Lessons such as my familiar patterns… guess what ? I don’t need to keep them. I didn’t realise until now…oh and I don’t need to react to provocation,.I ended up doing something, to me something small, but that said I’d been asked to avoid it… because I REACTED to provocation. I had NO intention to behave that way.. but as they say the road to hell is paved with those good intentions… I let fly with a bad one… I dropped the ball. I definitely need to make my voice and my boundaries heard and understood because in this case I didn’t.. as I didn’t want to rock the boat. That must not happen again.
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND SAY THANK YOU
I don’t need others approval is another lesson I’ve got under my belt. I learned to have greater appreciation for what I have in front of me… and I think I have done that in spades. I have learned to focus on practical goals and to take the cursed social media with a pinch of salt. While I appreciate some of social media’s benefits .. I have felt crowded by it at times. I saw the quote on it today, not for the first time, “
The Universe has removed certain people from your life because It heard conversations you didn’t” . This makes perfect sense. I could feel that I was being indulged and quite possibly being gossiped about.., but I chose again to ignore that instinct, and let it lie, instead of using the feeling as an opportunity to have further discussion to clarify understandings. as far as possible ( which I do appreciate is not that far sometimes….)and share the shape of what makes a friendship for me. I don’t believe there was malice in this indulgence but it perpetuated the lie they seemed to be telling about me to them self and others. I let it be, when I should have spoken.
PHILOSOPHY OF THE HEART
Although I am not. a religious person… I do feel that that Buddhist philosophy of aiming for your own and indeed everyone else’s happiness is one worth aspiring to.
THAT’S A LOT OF LEARNING
So all this from one falling out eh? Well yes … and sometimes I wish I just had the goodwill… but what would that have brought me… I’d still be the lazy arse who didn’t see what was in front of her, quite possibly. Goodwill from someone you were unlikely to see much anymore is nice. Achieving goals, improving current relationships and being a more aware human is probably nicer. I am fully aware of my good fortune and that I can be a bit of a drama queen .. again things I need to look at and address ..as whatever I might have going on it’s nothing compared to the problems others have …a swift reminder of that and acting in accordance with it, might have prevented fallout.. but that said nothing like it will ever happen again! It can’t… as I say I’m not the same person. People probably do need to tell their stories of “failure” and get a chance to properly repair damage. That does not mean letting people get away with things or going back to where things left off either, as if that were possible. No one is suggesting those things, but we definitely need to improve communication and be more tolerant of “humanness”, so long as there was never cruel intent. . I have to say I’m still feeling irritated today…but even so…but I’ve got so much good stuff going on and plenty to think about..I guess I can quickly deal with the outside at least, slap on the calamine lotion and ride it out.
